So, what do you do?

I once tried answering the standard conversation opener of “So what do you do?” by mentioning a bunch of things I like. Just for kicks. 

It went something like this: 

“So what do you do?”

“I like brewing coffee. Journaling. Collecting stickers. Messaging restaurants to give direct feedback on their food” 

“Okay, yeah. But what do you do?” 

“Ah, what do you mean?”

“Like, a job.” 

You can guess where the conversation went. 

“Humans love a narrative. Our mind loves a narrative”, my doctor explained. 

Our minds convince us it’s what we want to know. Our thoughts instinctively persuade us to just go by the book and ask what has to be asked. After all, placing people in familiar labels just makes things simpler to comprehend.  Putting individuals in boxes just makes conversations easier to continue. 

Honestly, it’s a force of habit. We’re just so used to it. Asking people what they do for a living is a staple conversation starter that everyone uses, myself included. It allows you to do some small talk, get to know someone with just a short exchange, and you feel like you did what you had to do to get the conversation going. After all — you don’t expect to be all deep with someone right from the get-go. And that’s fine.

You can allow yourself to ask the staple set of questions because you’re curious. 

You can allow yourself to answer things you feel accustomed to because it’s been a long day.  

At the same time, you can allow yourself to share how you feel and what makes you happy. 

You can share the most mundane, most basic things that that make you, you. 

I mean, you do have a personality, right? Right…? (I’m obviously writing a separate post about this). 

The irony of it all is — we show considerable enthusiasm in asking what keeps one up but we veer away from knowing what one truly feels. 

Here’s a challenge: the next time you meet someone, old or new, ask what you really want to ask. Say what you really want to say. Here are some basic starters:

“How was your day?” 

“What did you do before this?” 

“How are you feeling?” 

It’s awkward at first but it’s mostly coming from self-judgment. Truth is, the options are surprisingly endless if you allow yourself to. And if you allow the other person to. Discomfort will creep through but just allow yourself to feel it. You’ve been so accustomed to what’s common and what’s familiar. 

And if you still end up talking about the usual,  it’s fine. Just continue. Try to pivot. Like anything, talking about the unusual or rather uncommon takes practice. 

So let me start. 

How are you feeling?