Love it or hate it, you need small talk.

Here’s my take. 

We don’t actually suck in small talk. 

The truth is, humans are great at it. Heck, we can even be amazing in it. 

But here’s the caveat — we can only be good at small talk if we choose to actually do it well. 

As an introvert, I once dreaded the idea of coursing through small talk. 

Social small talk in parties and events. 

Office small talk in the workplace. 

Situational small talk when it’s called for. 

It felt like the mandatory bare minimum. Due diligence, even. 

“Do they really care about where I work or what’s up in my life?” 

“Why can’t we just stop the mandatories and say what we really mean or feel?”

And the grand prize of all  — “Will I ever talk to them after this conversation?” 

I had such a difficult time creating new relationships because I’d always look for a certain level of depth. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’d like to believe I actually thrive in small talk when the situation calls for it. We catch up, we learn a thing or two about each other, and the conversation goes smoothly and takes its natural course. 

Then we go home. 

Back to our normal lives. 

Back to the status quo. 

Back to the life where that Other person is not part of. 

And that’s exactly where the irony lies. 

Whether we admit it or not, we come in a situation with this preconceived judgment that this person is just meant to be another person. We convince ourselves we want to go beyond small talk but frankly, we’ve already placed them in a certain box. 

It’s as if we want to meet new friends but we don’t want to make new friends.  

We want something different from our daily lives but we expect life to simply take its course. 

We yearn for connection but we don’t want to be the one to make that connection first.

Something’s gotta give. 

The core of being human lies in relationships and connections. We need relationships because we are relational in nature. We need human connection to thrive and live. Even if it is possible to venture life on our own, it is in the face of the Other that we get to know ourselves. 

And for connections to be made, especially for adult relationships, small talk has to be made. Meeting new people requires small talk. And there’s always going to be a point where someone has to go beyond — be the first one to, make more effort, do more to make the relationship work. That’s just how it is and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it (unless your ego says otherwise). 

Long-lasting relationships either start at discomfort or instant spark. It is your choice to meet someone initially and see it as someone simply passing by. But you can also feel that discomfort, swim through it, and see where else it can take you.

It’s your choice to make that effort in getting to know that person more than what the situation calls for. It’s uncomfortable to break onto the surface but once you’re able to, you’ll sieve the people that were surprisingly meant to be in your life all along. 

And sometimes, all that talk is a prerequisite to something bigger. 

After all, a good conversationalist doesn’t come naturally. They don’t just open their mouths and talk smoothly naturally. Opening up oneself is an active choice to open up to the possibility of actual conversation. 

Thinking about it — small talk doesn’t have to be small talk.

Just, talk. 

Embrace it and things will open up for you. 

Only if you allow it to. 

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Notes: 

• I mention the use of the Other a few times and I owe it to the amazing Philosophy classes I’ve had back in Ateneo under Sir Ice Pasco. He also held masterclasses post-college which were essential to my growth and learning. Check out his podcast on Spotify: Kwentuhang Pilosopo with Ser Ice 

• If you like what you’ve read, think you’ll also like a related blog entry I wrote two months ago entitled “The second look phenomena: of unexpected friendships”. Enjoy!