I kind of broke up with Seoul. Of realizations and living abroad.

I think at one point in our lives we aspire to live in another country. 

That place for me is Seoul. 

Being an avid fan of Korean entertainment since 2011, I’ve always thought that living in Seoul would be an awesome experience I would want to try at least once in my life. The city streets, the cafés, the food, the convenience, and everything else that comes with being a first-world country. As a person who completely loves doing things on her own, I would gush at the thought of doing all my usuals in that city. 

Though it doesn’t mean that I only choose to see its good side. Truth is, I got so immersed with the country’s culture that I’ve grown highly self aware and knowledgeable of its societal realities, with conformity and homogeneity as values that continue to be upheld until this day. 

Upon my recent trip to Seoul, I had a breakthrough. 

I still want to live in Seoul one day. But not as much as I did before. 

Because truthfully I’m not the most compatible with the country’s culture. 

The feeling seeped in slowly. 

Initially nudged away, even dismissed. 

But the feeling knocked back again, this time stronger, waiting for validation and recognition. 

It felt like a bit of a heartbreak, frankly.  

When what we pictured as the epitome of happiness turns out to be otherwise, we have to admit it. We have to admit to its non-perfection. 

We have to see it for what it really is. 

We have to acknowledge how it makes us feel. We have to validate those feelings. 

And we have to face the truth that what we thought would be great just turns out to be okay. 

And it takes a lot of courage and strength to admit that to oneself.

Because if we don’t, we’ll fall prey in convincing ourselves of a self-made dream. We’ll attempt to fight what we should feel and do logically but fail to acknowledge what’s right in front of our face. Worse, we’ll only choose to see the side we want to believe in without acknowledging reality. 

Truth is, some countries are great for travel but not for living. And some places just aren’t meant for us long-term. We see places with a starry-eyed lens because we see it in the shoes of a tourist but it becomes a whole new different story to become an actual resident. 

Living abroad in length entails having a strong reason. I used the word strong because truthfully any reason, even leisure, is a sufficient reason. Studies, career, a gateway, a stepping stone — frankly, there is no right or wrong; nor is there a classification of valid or shallow. What holds importance is that whatever reason you have, it has to be strongly linked to your core and purpose for it to withhold and stand time. 

Inevitably I mull over living alone in Manila. 

Living on my own has allowed me to trek on a journey of prioritizing what is important and necessary in my life. It made me recognize that despite the fulfillment being alone gives me, my family stands as a core pillar in my life that I continuously choose over and over again. Living on my own pushed me to weigh out what I see as valuable not just brought about by obligation but by active choice. 

And because I have a firm compass of what is truly important in my life, going to a new place comes with a perspective that is not easily swayed nor convinced. 

Connection made by sight and admiration can take us places but it will only take us so far as it can. The environment we will thrive best in is an environment where we feel aligned with its values and its people.

After all, we can’t just make our home any home. We need to feel at home to be home. And we will only know that if we know what home really feels like.