Why do we keep shitty friends?
They say as we grow older, choosing friends gets easier.
We choose people who align with our values, we’re wiser with whom we spend our energy, and we ought to know who to surround ourselves with.
But amidst all the societal compulsions we’ve supposedly gained, there’s an elephant in the room we’re all guilty of — keeping shitty friends.
More often than not, they come in stealth.
There’s no specific personality trait nor patterned behavior that characterizes a bad friend. Usually, you’ll know it through a feeling. It’s a feeling you get when you come from that conversation, that simple exchange, that call, that hang-out;
Feeling spent.
Feeling drained.
Worse, feeling empty.
And most probably it isn’t the first time.
The irony of it lies in the fact that you probably knew it but time and time again would deny or try to convince yourself otherwise. Because most likely, you’ve pictured them differently and have buried the possibility of them actually being not so good.
That person isn’t usually like that.
That person didn’t mean to be that way.
That person’s just not in a good phase now.
I know that person.
Well, surprise. You don’t.
Adult friendships have two fundamental responsibilities that need to fulfill in your life:
A friend should lift you up and root for your happiness. And this can only happen if you are honest about what makes you genuinely happy.
A friend shows up. Non-explanatory.
Now it sounds easy but the irony lies that as we grow in age, the simple things turn into the harder ones to actually do. We easily forget that being a friend to someone and having a friend takes conscious effort. We sometimes think that friends are the easiest component of life which need little to no energy because life itself is already difficult to handle.
So we do what feels the most comfortable with complete avoidance of any drama: We tolerate.
We would rather see them because at least there are some other good friends in that circle we can keep up with.
We would rather still reply than attempt to do a little nudge or kick somewhere in between.
We would rather invite them or accept their invite, at least we don’t have to spend it alone.
We would rather dismiss the possibility they are a bad friend, because at that moment you were with them, they were fine.
Tolerance isn’t a reckless nor stupid trait. In many ways it’s a useful defense mechanism to weed out the bad from the good, choose our battles, and know where to direct our energy.
But tolerance can get in the way if we know we deserve better. Because if we know we deserve better than what we’re putting up with, then we’ve settled. We’ve settled with what’s in front of us because we think it’s what we deserve. We cling onto the wrong people because we fear that the possibility of meeting new people might not happen. We’d rather see through with what we have at present rather than giving ourselves a chance to come across the right people.
Proactively drifting away from people we thought we were aligned with and eventually breaking these friendships off can definitely be a painful process.
But sometimes, it’s necessary.
We can only attract the right people in our lives once we start acknowledging the value we can give and the worth we should receive.
Trust that you will attract the right people because you have been working on becoming the right person for yourself. Trust that you are a person of worth who will eventually find individuals who will see you for you. Trust that you can only grow if you stop holding on and finally let go.
Accepting that you have a bad friend sucks.
But it’s probably one of the best things you can do for yourself. And just like how a good friend can become a bad friend, a bad friend can eventually become a good friend. But it’s not on your watch to wait for someone to become the person that they need to be.
So if dark days come when you feel like faltering, just affirm yourself;
I’d rather be alone than be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.
I’d rather be alone than be with someone that makes me feel alone.
I’d rather be alone than be with a shitty friend.
